Here is where it all started.

In April of 2012 I hit a low but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. All I knew was that I just didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel at home. I was crying for no reason. I was unhappy. I managed through it for the most part but then that low came again BIG time this January.

I talked to a few different people, a counselor, a life coach, friends, and what kept coming up was “you need to figure out your core values” or “you need to figure out what you want and WHY”.

I was told to just keep asking myself:“why do I want that? Why is that so important to you? Now ask yourself WHY again.”

It just didn’t click…

I would list “I want to travel”

Why?  “To see cool, things, meet people and learn about the world.”

And why is that important to you? “Umm, because I like cool things, I like people and its a great way to learn about the world”

But Why?? “Ugggg!!! Can’t I just go and travel???”

I felt I was going in circles.

These simple questions just didn’t work for me, so I came home to ask Mr. Google –“how do you find your core values?”

Most of the things that came up dealt with finding values related to finding a job or career you love. Well, I already HAVE that! When I found Dawn Barclay’s site and her five page questionnaire with pages of values listed I knew I found a goldmine.

Here is what was so different about her worksheet that worked so well for me:

• The first page was about 15 questions with things like “who inspires you”, “what boundaries are non-negotiable”, “what can’t you live without” or “what makes you upset”

• From there she gave space to list 20 values (using words that came up in the original questions or pick from the list) and then another page to knock those down to 10, 5, and finally three values.

• The last page of the worksheet had 19 more questions to ask about each of your three core values. “What happens when the value isn’t being lived?” “Are you fully living to your core value?” “What can you change so this value is being lived consistently in your life?” and so on.

That last page is where it got REALLY good!
There was something about this worksheet and the questions that really helped me to really understand what exactly was going on since April. Looking back now, with hindsight being 20-20, I’m thinking, “well, duh…of course that was what was happening” I wasn’t being true to my core values.

This little goldmine of a worksheet helped me to put it all into perspective, write it all out in a concise way and ultimately be able to communicate better to my partner why I was so unhappy and what I needed to change.

Go and check it out – she’s an awesome lady and has a TON of free resources on her blog.

Stay tuned, I’ve got some stories coming up on how this truly did help me smooth out some bumps in my relationship.

Gretchen Rubin creates a different resolution each month to explore her own happiness, her own journey of changing her life, without actually “changing her life.” Meaning she didn’t pack up everything she had to go and travel the world or change careers or anything too drastic. She made some simple adjustments to her everyday life.

The last couple months I’ve been really struggling and feeling a general unhappiness. It really hit hardest about the last week of April, 2012 while traveling through Australia. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling and why I was so emotional. I mean, really, I do have a great life, right? I get to travel, chase summer, do amazingly cool things and don’t “have” to work since my boyfriend earns enough to support this lifestyle. Yet, I found myself in tears on a regular basis, generally frustrated and just not nearly as happy as I “should” be given the circumstances I am in. I won’t get into all of that here and now as I am still processing it all myself and figuring out what I need and want out of my existence here on this wonderful rock. One of the best ways for me to “process” is to read at one of my favorite spots on Kauai.

Reading at one of my favorite spots on Kauai, Wailua Falls

A few passages stood out to me that I feel are worth jotting down.

~People’s basic psychological needs include the need to feel secure, to feel good at what they do, to be loved, to feel connected to others, and to have strong sense of control.

~It’s easy to make the mistake of thinking that if you have something you love or there’s something you want, you’ll be happier with more.

~A sense of growth is so important to happiness that it’s often preferable to be progressing to the summit rather than be at the summit.

~Knowing what you admire in others is a wonderful mirror into your deepest, as yet unborn self.

I wont list them here but she made a list of her own personal 12 commandments. The most recurring one being “Be Gretchen” which, in my opinion should really be all that is needed, right? Another one is “Be polite and be fair” but if “Be Gretchen” encompasses fairness and politeness, doesn’t that cover it? Anyway… I am inspired to make my own commandments – although I’m not sure I’ll come up with twelve.

I am also inspired by her idea to make 12 resolutions. They weren’t “goals”, as she explained at the end of the book, “You hit a goal, you keep a resolution” this, to me goes hand in hand with the idea of growth and reaching the summit – or that the journey really IS the destination.  I like the idea of resolutions vs goals when it comes to health and fitness. Instead of making a goal to reach a certain weight to resolve to exercise daily and eat more leafy greens. That way when you reach your “goal” you still have your resolution to stick to!

The monthly resolutions reminded me of something we learned at the Beachbody Coaches Summit in June, 2012. I had the pleasure of hearing Chalene Johnson, creator of TurfoFire and other workouts speak. She encouraged us to pick something to learn or improve on each month. Instead of trying to do everything all at once, spread it out for the 12 months. This, and the 12 resolutions is something I would like to incorporate – although I have NO idea when, or if I’ll actually start. Resolution #1, stop procrastinating…

The book closed with the Four Splendid Truths Gretchen learned from her project, I won’t write those here – you should read the book to learn them yourself. Or maybe check out her blog, www.happiness-project.com.

Have you read this book? I’d love to hear if you took any of her tips or if you followed your own happiness project. Fill me in!

Challenge number 1: What do I contribute?
This was a big one for a while, two years into it I am feeling a bit more comfortable in what I contribute to the relationship/household/etc., since I don’t contribute much financially. I realize that Chris values the fact that I like to cook and I take care of meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, etc.

I remember a friend asking me what I was going to “do” and I used the word “companion” in my explanation and she asked – “is that enough?” I’m still figuring that part out myself. I try to place myself in Chris’ shoes. Let’s say I have enough money to quit working, to travel where I want and to do what I want. Wouldn’t that be more fun WITH someone? When your friends are all mostly married and having babies and have work commitments you can’t just call someone up at 2pm on a Tuesday to see if they want to go for a mountain bike ride. I have to remember this is what he wanted too, he offered this life to me. He wanted someone with which to experience all that is amazing in life. Don’t we all? I enjoy the same activities – hiking, biking, travel, etc. that I enjoy the same things and I make pretty good sandwiches just helped seal the deal.

Challenge number 2: Friends
I had great jobs with social outlets and worked with great people who became close friends of mine. It’s difficult to keep up with everyone, especially when you don’t live in the same city, state or even country as they do. We live in VERY transient places, friends I made last summer were only here for the summer and are now gone. I come and go as well every few months making it very difficult to become really close to people. I was never the type to have a large group of friends always doing something but do miss the ease of making friends through work. Still learning on finding other ways to build strong relationships.

Challenge number 3: Routine? What’s that?
This can drive me up the wall. I’m a former stage manager, remember. So when my life goes from knowing my schedule 6 months to a year in advance and limited time off to a wide open schedule I get a little flustered.
We have no set schedule. Every day we wake up, look out the window and depending on the weather and how we feel we decide what we want to do that day. This can drive me crazy when I am trying to maintain a workout routine, or want to take a class or schedule an appointment. I find this WAY easier in Hawaii where I easily wake up at 5:30 or 6am for a sunrise bike ride followed by some yoga only to bring Chris some tea at 7:30 while he is waking up. Queenstown, not so much – WAY too cold for me at 6am!
Life is short and we want to take 100% advantage of every day (especially the nice days) that we have.

Challenge number 4: House envy
Ok – so this is a bit of a joke, but it seems like every house we visit we get a bit of house envy. In Queenstown we live in a $500 house shack with a million dollar view, at least that is what it feels like. We don’t have nice things because we don’t feel we need them, so to visit with people who just bought a real house that has a REAL kitchen I get a bit envious. That being said – I don’t think either of us WANT to buy a house and deal with the costs and work associated with it.

Challenge number 5: What do you do?
This one is all mine as Chris has his business but I do struggle with the “what do you do” question. I’m really lucky to have this life, but I do want to contribute to society and have something to show for my time here. I do have my Beachbody Coaching which I do part time, sometimes TOO part time. I want something to be proud of and excited about, it’s not always easy with such a mobile life style.

So there you have it… hope that wasn’t too whiny.

I headed back to New Zealand in March 2010, almost exactly two years after I had finished my vacation and moved into Chris’ “cabin” in Queenstown. It was a bit weird at first. I wasn’t on vacation, I wasn’t working, I didn’t have a big group of friends in Queenstown to catch up with. We adjusted to living in Chris’ space instead of mine and adjusted to being together almost 24-7.

Our cabin in Queenstown

Our small kitchen, complete with two gas burners and an EZ bake oven

I guess I should clarify that Chris and I weren’t just going to live out of our suitcases from now on. Due to visa’s we can’t stay in each others country for more than six months, due to weather we chose not to

He had been “chasing summer” for many years -both as river rafting guide and then later as his business took off. Ironically, he came to Queenstown 15 years ago for the skiing but has spent a total of four winters in those 15 years. Our current “plan” is about 4-5 months in NZ followed by 1-2 months traveling to the northern hemisphere, sitting down for 4-5 months in Kauai, Hawaii or somewhere in the northern hemisphere and then 1-2 months traveling back to NZ. Traveling all the time is exhausting. This of course is not a schedule set in stone – just a rough draft. It is a great life – and telling people we go from the set of Lord of the Rings to set of Jurassic Park does have a certain ring to it – but it does have it’s challenges – I’m NOT complaining – just observing.

After I left Vegas I spent a week in Colorado with my family. I had really started to learn more about fitness and nutrition as a Beachbody Coach and was really loving what I was learning. No more processed meals, was learning how to cook healthy food and how food really can be medicine. My mom had about 30 pounds that she could stand to lose and was on 3 different medications all for weight related issues. The more I learned and read, the more concerned I became for her health and I wanted her around longer.

My mom on her 60th birthday

I sent her an email asking her to give me simply TEN MINUTES of movement everyday. She told me she would start walking and with my Beachbody discount I bought her Ten Minute Trainer for her 60th birthday. Six months later she still hadn’t even taken the DVD out of the box, much less pressed play. I told her when I was there we were going to work out everyday and follow the routine. I also helped her come up with a nutrition plan and we made some changes to what she was eating.

We had to modify some of the exercises, like push ups, and we opted to stick to walking outside instead of the indoor cardio. We did the 6 or 7 days together and I wasn’t sure what to expect when I left. Thankfully she stuck to it and went from a size 14 to a size 2 or 4. She is off two of three of her meds and a lower doseage for another one. I’m SO proud of her and she is by far my favorite success story with Beachbody!

I remember when we first walked around the neighborhood and she was huffing and puffing after 10 minutes. Now she can easily walk 3 miles and has stuck to her routine! She’s inspiring those around her as well.

One fact I know to be true for me is that I will always regret the things I have NOT done way more than the things I have done.

Some people might look at what I did as giving up a lot, walking away from “it all”, taking a giant risk. Others look at as an opportunity of a lifetime. It took some explaining to some people. Some were super supportive, others were “concerned”. Of course this made me examine what “independence” meant to me.

I had a job I had to go to in order to pay my bills on the two houses I “owned”. I worked 6 nights a week and if I wanted to take a night off for a concert, show, event, etc. I couldn’t, it wasn’t an option. If I wanted to take a weekend off for a wedding I could use one of my three personal days a year, fingers crossed all weddings would be on a Wednesday – my one day off. I worked extra hours around the holidays as we always had extra shows. I had 2 weeks off and no long weekends. I may have made all my own money but I was pretty stuck in my job if I wanted to keep the financial life I had. Really, how “independent” was I? I was pretty damn dependent on my job, if you really look at it.

So… If I am going to be financially dependent- I might as well be with the man I love while traveling and having some amazing life experiences, right?

I guess I could have waited another 3-5 years to save up enough to travel for an entire year, but then what? Would Chris and I have lasted another 3-5 years of long distance just so I could save enough to pay my way? Chris never game me an ultimatum. It was my choice. But seriously – long distance from New Zealand to Vegas?!?  Neither of us wanted a relationship like that.

But what if Chris and you break up? Where will you live? What will you do?  But what if you want to work again? Can’t you just ask for a leave of absence?
But what if you miss Kipper? Are you sure you want to give her up?

OR

But what if it all works out just fine and it was the best decision of my life?
But what if I am exposed to new and exciting people, places, opportunities, to grow, explore and learn?
But what if I stay in my job because it is “safe” and I never get an opportunity like this again?”

My job wasn’t guaranteed for the rest of my life and neither is this relationship. Nothing is. Just the other day I found out that Jersey Boys is moving from the Palazzo Casino to the Paris Casino. They are officially closing which means no one is guaranteed to get their position back. Who knows if I would have been on the chopping block during the transition.

I knew for a fact that even if things go down the tubes between Chris and I that I’ll eventually land on my feet and I will not have regretted the choice I made. Ever.

A friend once told me that I manifested this. I put it out there in the universe that I was going to save up to quit my job to travel and that it manifested itself in other ways. She also told me I live life unreasonably. It was one of the best compliments I had received.

Another blog shared the top five regrets of the dying with the number one regret being “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” This was not going to be my regret.

Click to read part 14

I need to take it back a little bit to a pretty life changing event in my life. As my Krav Maga post touched on a few post ago I gained two key things from those classes – confidence and my love of working out. Time to talk about my love of working out and how I replaced my gym.

After I stopped taking Krav Maga classes I joined 24 Hour Fitness and a private boxing gym. I started finding classes I liked and began scheduling my days around what gym classes I was taking. At times I belonged to 24 Hour, Las Vegas Athletic Club and a boxing gym. Yep, three gyms. Can’t really take gym memberships along on my travels can I? I really found my love of working out and as much as I love hiking and the outdoors I never really looked at that as a “workout” – that was just play. Also, I would not workout by myself. I HAD to have someone tell me what to do. What the hell was I going to do if we were traveling and moving every 4 months? I had to find a solution.

A friend of mine mentioned that he was thinking of trying P90X. I had never heard of that so had to do some research on it. I googled it and it TOTALLY clicked! Sure, I was a bit skeptical, you know, “infomercial product” and all, but I figured I’d give it a shot. In case you haven’t heard of P90X it is a 90 day extreme home fitness program that is 6 days a week of weight lifting, cardio, yoga and a comprehensive nutrition plan. I decided to start it on June 1, 2009. Chris was going to be gone for the majority of the next three months so I had time to focus on it. I didn’t think I would like working out to a DVD but I found Tony Horton funny and hot – so that made it easy! I also felt challenged and after my first day I had no problem coming back day after day.

The biggest change I made was with my nutrition. I had been working out 5-6 days a week before P90X but never had the results I wanted. Maybe that had something to do with the cookies I snacked on, the sodas I drank, the high sugar cereals I started my day with and the microwavable dinners I ended my days with. I started paying attention to what I was eating and next thing you know I had visible results and people were asking what I was doing. I was hooked!

My first round of P90X

About 45 days into P90X I started hearing about the Beachbody coaching opportunity. I was active on facebook P90X group and on teambeachbody.com sharing my experiences and support, I LOVE saving money and Coaches save 25% – I really wanted to try Shakeology, I was already talking about what I was doing… it just made sense to join as a Beachbody Coach. I wasn’t going to have my Jersey Boys income anymore and although Chris was comfortable supporting me I thought this would be a good outlet for me to have something of my own. PLUS, I could do this from wherever I was on my own schedule. Never hurts to have a “Plan B”, right?

So that was my solution to the gym which also turned into a solution for an income. Who knew an infomercial could really change my life SO much!

What have you bought off an infomercial? Did it work?

Getting close to the end of this series – read part 13

A, B, C were all out the window. We called a lawyer and the “B” word came up. Bankruptcy. Seriously? Wow. I’m going to be bankrupt.

Somehow I got referred to the best bankruptcy lawyer in Vegas. I made an appointment to go and see him and we sat down in his office with the broken air conditioner in the middle of August or September in Vegas and I told him the situation with Chris and me.

The basics were
~Chris wants me to quit my job and travel with him and he can support me financially.
~I own two houses which are completely upside down, a quarter of a million to be exact.
~I have about $40k in savings (I was still planning on traveling and needed some money saved up)
~I own my car (was still driving my 2000 Honda Civic)
~I have retirement accounts.
~I have a great income and currently have no problem paying my bills. I make too much money to file bankruptcy. (In Vegas you can’t make more than $24k in the last six months).

How do I get out with minimal scars?
His advice to me:
~Go buy a house with the money you have in the bank. Pay cash.I could be gifted up to $15k without tax repercussions so get Chris to give you some so you can get something worth living in. That house needs to be your primary residence and you need to own it for 6 months before filing bankruptcy.
~You can’t file bankruptcy if you make more than $48k a year. Quit your job so that you show income totaling less than $24,000 for the 6 months before you file.
~Put as much money into your retirement account. Bankruptcy can’t touch your retirement accounts.
~File bankruptcy 6 months after you close on your house.

Chris and I thought about this and it all made sense. We trusted him and it sounded like the most sound option we had heard of so far. So after that very first time I bit his head off for suggesting I walk away from my house I was planning on doing just that.

Within a few days I called a real estate friend of mine and started looking at homes that I could buy that weren’t short sales or bank owned homes, something that could close quickly. I think I had about 6 or 8 to chose from and chose the one that was the best of the lot, another cookie cutter condo in NW Vegas. A few weeks later we had a contract and were in escrow. The house closed in early December 2009. I calculated out how long it would take me to earn $24,000 at Jersey Boys and planned for my last day at my job to be February 21st, 2010. I started selling items that weren’t sentimental to me and looked for a home for Kipper. Quack, quack, quack, ducks in a row.

My favorite picture of Kipper in the mountains

Everything worked out. I found a good home for Kipper, and think she is just fine. It was hard to give her up but I can’t live my life for my dog. I love her and we had great years together. She now has a bigger yard, a doggie roommate and a loving couple that goes to Montana for the summer where the dogs can play. It was also sad to get rid of some of my things. But they are just things, they can be replaced. And honestly, selling things for pennies on the dollar at a garage sale made me really realize how much stuff is worth – not much. It isn’t important to me to have nice things, brand new, not when we live such a transient life. Not when in the big scheme of things that stuff doesn’t matter. At all. My life is free-er without it. I am not attached to stuff that merely ties me down and doesn’t let me pick up and go easily and freely. With the exception of my bedroom furniture which stayed in Vegas with a friend I fit everything into my Civic and drove it to Colorado to store it in my brothers basement. I sold my car in Colorado and got on a plane to New Zealand. About a year and a half after that first suggestion to leave Vegas, a lot of tears, and a lot of lining up ducks I was finally going to do just that – quitting my job and traveling.

I was able to cram in the most important things into my Civic

Would you have done the same thing? It sounds so romantic – but would you? Would you quit your job and travel? Nothing is certain, there are no guarantees. Would you give up your routine, friends, home, things, job, pet, proximity to family, etc.?

Over the next year I calmed down a tiny bit after he started asking me about walking away from my house.

I DID want to travel with him. He had the means to support me. I wouldn’t need to work. What an incredible opportunity. But what does that really MEAN? How does that WORK? He just pays for everything? That doesn’t seem fair. And what if we break up? And what about those damn houses? What about my dog? I wouldn’t have health insurance. What about my 401k? Haha – as I write that I remember my former self who didn’t care about those and wanted to live life to the fullest.

I was raised to be independent with my money. To not rely on a man to support me. To live below my means. To pay my bills on time. This went against everything I was taught. But I also learned to listen to my gut, to take opportunities when they were presented, that there IS more to life than health insurance and 401k’s. Don’t get me wrong – I still worry about those things.

It wasn’t quite as easy as “quit your job and travel”. I had some ducks to put in a row before I could do that. We looked at the options on the table

A) Stay status quo. Do the long distance thing till we got so sick of it one of us ended the relationship.
B) Try to rent out the houses and keep paying on them.
C) Short sale and Chris buys the houses. I could still have my “home” but he would own it and it would be a lot cheaper.
D) Walk away completely, foreclose on the house.

Well “A” quickly got crossed off.

“B” really wasn’t a smart idea to Chris, and the truth is it was going to be his money. Why would he take on a business that was basically failing and throw more money after it? I would have easily been out of pocket $800-$1000 a month on property that had no real chance at coming back. Even if the market stopped going down and started increasing at 5% a year it would still take 15 years to even get back to “break even” mode. I was starting to see his point on just walking away but I wasn’t comfortable with this.

We looked at “C”. We even got as far as getting approval from the bank for the short sale and were a week out from closing. I looked at the piece of paper that clearly stated “Bank of America can come after you for the money owed.” No fine print there. I looked back at the rules and laws and it clearly stated banks have 6 years to come back for the deficiency. That the only loan they pardoned was the primary on the home, not the second mortgage and not the first mortgage on the rental. So you are telling me in 6 years you could tell me I owe you some crazy amount of money AND not have a house? It didn’t seem like what we wanted and when I talked to my real estate agent she said this – “Banks aren’t coming after people.” I wanted to shake her and say “YET!!! They aren’t coming after people YET!” We walked away from that “deal” and went back to our options. Last one left – walk away.

This whole process was such a moral dilemma for me in the beginning. I had friends giving me a hard time for the choice I was making. Saying I was bringing down the value of their home because I was walking away from mine. The more research I did the more I got over those feelings of guilt. A bank happily loaned me money on a property bubble that had to burst sooner or later, right?  Sure it was my “home” but I wasn’t going to grow old in it, it didn’t have sentimental value. It was frame and stucco. In fact both of my town-homes, ten miles apart from each other were the same floor plan. It looked just like every other house in the neighborhood. I really looked at it from a business sense. If I owned a restaurant that every month I lost $800-$1000 just to keep the doors open would it make sense to keep it? Heck no. I actually had a friend tell me “but that’s different.” Really, how? So losing a grand in a restaurant is worse than losing a grand in a home?

It was time to look at “D”.

Read about option D in part 11

Talk about an atypical courting period. How many couples start off with a 30 day road trip where you are together 24-7. Same car, same meals, same hostels, etc. If we can make it through that we’re doing ok, right? I think what stood out the most during that trip is that you really figure out what is worth fighting for, or more importantly, what ISN’T worth fighting for. We were pretty compatible, no fights, no major issues.

One of our best days on a beach up north

As we came to the end of our trip Chris explained that he was planning on coming to the States for the summer but wasn’t sure where exactly. He hadn’t really spent any time in Vegas so why not there for a while. When I first met him in the bar I sure wasn’t expecting that 30 days later we’d be talking about him flying to Vegas for a couple months to hang out.

I headed back to the States and right back into work to get the show up and running. He worked his way back down New Zealand and back to Queenstown to get ready to come to the Northern Hemisphere. We chatted almost daily on Skype or email.

For the next two years we continued are long distance relationship with chunks of time spent living together in Vegas. He would be in Vegas for 2-4 months and then gone 2-4 months. He was mostly around during the pleasant spring and fall seasons. With only one day off a week and 12 days of vacation it wasn’t possible for me to go and see him. I had never lived with a boyfriend before but what was I going to do, make him get a hotel room? There were some struggles because he didn’t really know anyone in Vegas except me. I was used to having my days free before work to do with as I please – gym, pool, library, etc and now I felt like a constant tour guide, always having to do “something” during the day and then work at night. I remember crying to him one day because I just wanted to go to the gym but thought I should or had to spend every minute with him because he came to see me.

It was nice to show him my life in Vegas, the shows, the hidden treasures outside of the city, and the crazy man on the corner of Sahara and Rampart.

It wasn’t long before Chris started asking when I was going to “quit my job and travel with him.” I never really took him seriously. Yeah, right – just up and leave? What about my houses, my dog, my bills, etc. My typical answer was “when you tell me how that will work then we can talk about it.” I liked my job. I was making more money than I ever had and things were good. But yeah, living in Vegas for Chris was not ideal, and it wasn’t somewhere I saw myself forever an ever. He started asking me more questions about my houses. How much did you pay for it? How much rent could I get? What about the current rental – was that breaking even? Did I realize that the house across the street was selling for less than half of what I paid? To answer those questions, I paid $250k for one home, $170k for another. My mortgage on one was about $1500 the other was about $1000 plus HOA dues on both. Rent barely let me break even.

What seemed like a question that came pretty much out of the blue from Chris actually was pretty thought out on his part. He just didn’t phrase it well. I didn’t hear him say: “You might not like this, but I’ve been doing a lot of research and want to chat with you about your houses.” What I heard is “What would happen if you walked away from your houses? Just stopped paying mortgage?”

“WHAT?!?!” POW! EXPLODE!! Tears. “You mean just walk away from everything I worked so hard for? Just give it all up? Do you know what that would do to my credit? I signed those papers! I can’t just stop paying! How DARE you…”

Yeah, it was kind of like that.

With the crazyness of the housing markets I know many of you have made some drastic changes. Did it take a long time to decide exactly what to do or was it pretty clear?

Wanna read part 10?